Fighting Through the Pain

Fighting Through the Pain

Just like any other day
You got mad at what I say
Some things out of my control
And yet you still scold

Some days are a mess
But still doing my best
But when yelling you start
It just breaks my heart

Angry always, no money
Things I deal with, SO not funny
Some things you said
Make me wish I was dead

Dad’s lies, about drink and smoke
Not laughing, not a joke
Wish of me you were proud
Want to hear you scream it loud

You could never feel my pain
Though my tears fall like rain
If a house is truly a home
Why do I always feel all alone

Mom borrowed his truck, dad needs a lift
Sorry dad, have an all day shift
Ask if dad looked for job, he’s yelling
Believe me, I’m not buying what he’s selling

Mom and I work, busting our hump
Some people at home, sitting on their butt
You can sit there, call me crazy
But to me, that’s just plain LAZY

Nothing I say or do is right
Starting the day, always a fight
Listening to your whining, I want to scream
Thanks to you, another bad dream

Can’t you understand
I’m doing the best I can
Ongoing bickering, worried how you’re gonna survive
Oh Good LORD, just praise GOD you’re ALIVE!!!


10 thoughts on “Fighting Through the Pain

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Fighting Through the Pain | Jason's Spina Bifida Journey --

    • Hi Judy,

      I am really glad you liked this poem. It took a lot of courage and prayers to write it, and I was really nervous how it’d be accepted. This poem is very true about what I struggle with at home on almost a daily basis, especially with the spina bifida. My parents have been great my whole life, but some days when I have an accident, my dad especially gets frustrated because they have to help clean me up. They “say” they know I can’t help it, but I think otherwise. Seems like whenever I have an accident, they’re always complaining and getting upset. It really breaks my heart to think I am a burden to them especially when I have no control over some things.

      My dad has been unemployed for a couple years, maybe three, and he just doesn’t seem to even CARE about finding a job. Whenever my mom asks him if he has looked for a job, he blows up, gets really angry, starts cursing, and sometimes I am scared he will hurt my mother, or worse, one of his children. And he constantly drinks and smokes, which doesn’t help the problem. He walks in the door and you can smell the alcohol across the house. Whenever my mom or I ask him to stop, he gets violent, starts hitting things and almost makes me want to get out of there before I lose my life. No telling what may happen if he snaps and lays a hand on our family. I remember laying in bed one night and he was talking to my uncle on the phone. I can’t remember what they were talking about, but I remember my dad saying “If it happens again, there will be blood.” I went in my bedroom, closed my door and called my mom to tell her what happened. I was in tears that whole night because I just knew in my heart that somebody was going to get hurt that night. Praise God nobody was, but it just breaks my heart that we can’t even talk to my father without him getting angry and on the verge of hitting us.

      I wrote this poem to tell people with disabled children to actually LISTEN to what we have to say. Most of us really have no control over some things, especially medical issues related to our disabilities. We need the support and love of friends and family more than anyone on this Earth probably. I encourage you and anyone else reading this reply, if you know someone with a disability, take a few minutes to actually talk to them and listen to what they have to say. If they’re having problems, talk with them to see how you can resolve them as a family and not get upset at every little thing that comes up. Most importantly, tell them how proud you are of them, how much they mean to you and how much you LOVE them. You will never know how much hearing those words will make them feel so much better. It may give them a new reason to go on living and pursue their dreams of finding a good job or getting their driver’s license.

      Take care and God bless.

  2. Having had a few people in my life over the years that have been alcoholics. I do understand the battle you face on a daily basis. Hmm! We may need to talk more about this also by email. Seems we have more in common than you realize. Stay safe, and as embarrassing as it can be, never keep his secret. We have a way of enabling them with silence. Although you should be careful, for your own safety. It is okay to talk with other people about how it makes you feel.

    :0)s and Hugs

    • I would love to talk more about this topic Judy. I feel really great getting what I have out of my system, telling someone about it who actually listens and cares what I have to say. I just recently told my parents about the blog, because I didn’t know how they’d react to me telling my story to the world. I really hope my parents will read this poem and our comments and that my dad will realize I am just about DONE trying to talk to him about his habits. You have no idea how many times I’ve felt like leaving home and never coming back. The biggest reason I’ve stayed is because of the medical problems, but I feel like they shouldn’t define what I’m able to do… This is a very hard, personal subject to discuss and I’d be so thankful if I could talk to you about it. It really has helped me….

  3. Anytime my friend! Seems to be a topic we both share as well as having a family member with Spina bifida. Your friendship and feelings are always important to me. You also have my phone number in the emails, feel free to call anytime.

    :0)s and Hugs!

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